Probing a bf on his salvation & exiting if unsaved
I am not sure my bf is saved. He claimed to be, but I feel unsure & unsure whether to continue this relationship. How can I decide what to do? What should I ask and be thinking about?
Q: I need some advice and prayer. I’m not sure if my boyfriend is actually saved or not. The other day I asked him if he was and he said yes. So then I proceeded to ask about his testimony, like if he remembered anything about his experience or when he got saved. He kind of got defensive and said that he didn’t want to talk about it, and that it was personal. That kind of hurt me, and didn't sound right.... because I feel like believers openly discuss this, and it is important to share these things if we’re dating with the intention to marry.
So, last night, I called him to talk about it again, as it's still bothering me. And he said that he grew up in church, went to college, then his family went through hard times and that’s when he started to believe. It’s still kind of unclear to me what his actual testimony is. He says he believes in God but I’m unsure if he’s born again. However, his fruit appears good for the most part. He hardly ever curses, he is always helping out his family and friends, and he’s an extremely hard worker. I believe he’s patient, kind, and gentle. He is slow to anger too. He does need more self control though when it comes to lust for me.
Please help me understand this🙏 I do love him and we get along so well. We’re just as much friends as we are boyfriend and girlfriend.
A: It is a good question, and important to find out. As you don't want to waste your youth on someone who isnt saved & isnt following Christ.
Here are things to ask yourself about him before you even probe him on the topic of his Faith. These are things you should know by now. [But if your relationship is "new", you might ask these first].
*Does he read the Bible regularly, and at all?
*Does he talk about what he reads in Scripture &/or Sunday sermon?
*Does he talk about Christ/Christianity with joy and in peace?
*Is he pursuing a holy life, and have you seen spiritual growth (into more maturity of the Faith & his walk with Christ)? If its non existent, you have your answer. Hes claiming Christ in "professing" words only, not by his life fruit.
*Does he go to church? Like, regularly (preferably every Sunday)? And are you going together, even to young folk fellowship? Are you both attending Sunday School and Bible studies there? Fellowship opportunities?
*Does he ever share Christ with unsaved others? Or try/desire to?
If he's failed that....
Ask him these questions:
*“Do you love Christ now?”
*Has your life shown evidence of change? How has it changed since you professed Christ till now?; (a early then vs now retrospective).
*“Do you have a desire to obey Scripture?”
*When is the last time you read the Bible?
*Do you desire to share the Gospel with others?
These are intended to shift the focus from memory to present reality of faith.
His life should be rooted in Scripture and fruit, not emotional reports or distant recollections, and he shouldn't be avoiding of or cutting off such convos. A believer desires to talk about the Savior he loves, and is glad to talk about his testimony and how he is growing in the Faith, and all things Christian. He has new desires since being transformed by God.
Also appearing moral(1) or as if having fruit doesn't mean he is saved and is showing true Fruit of the Spirit, so be careful not to gey decieved by that.
If the issue is just that hes young and 1.doesn't know how to articulate it, or 2. even is feeling guilty over certian recent sins(2) that led him to feel he feels unworthy [none of us are worthy] then encourage him about that, remind him he has Christ as his great High Priest as Mediator between God and man. And, since God tells us in Scripture to keep short sin accounts, that he should go resolve that today in prayer, and move forward in the Faith. 😊, or 3. hasn't got saved yet but still processing what he knows, is leaning that direction, but is needs help with faq [answered below] to get him to the point where he embraces Christ, *for real*.
If 1 or 2 is the case, get him plugged in at church in the mens group, who can disciple him well, guide him into holy living, and be counselors and accountability buddies. It is an important aspect of being a church member, being under the shepherd-leaders, and among mature believers, (and esp for men who take on dual leadership roles once married). If hes not in church it might show A. he had no idea the importance of it, or B. he has no actual love for God. Thus no love for believers, whom gather together (outflow of that love) to worship and serve God and Savior.
If hes not saved/it's #3, then probe him with the Gospel, (like here, as *the next Question* to ask him...to get to the core), and if his response shows he isnt actually interested, then he's either 1. Not saved; in idolatry (made up a god he prefers) and you should exit that relationship (tips here on that convo), or 2. Hasn't been led by God closer to salvation yet, and [after lightly going thru some of those faq w him, without then coming to Christ] you can leave/entrust him in God's hands and move on without him. You want a Christian man, not a pretender/unsaved because unequally yoked is rebellion to God's and leads to loads of heartbreak for your whole life. Only date and marry equally yoked in Christ.
It is interesting he leaned towards God after a suffering incident, as most lean towards hating God unjustly when troubles come. So, probe him with the Gospel, and go from there.
He's not a project for you to work on to "save him", that's the biggest lie Satan has duped young women to believe. So just do the above (as one who shares the Gospel), and *move on* if hes not fully giving his life to Christ "right then" (because he wants to, and cuz God is saving him).
If he has questions or things preventing surrender, either hes just not there yet or loves his sin more than Christ... answer the questions from the Gospel resource above and if that led him to put the final puzzle piece together to "get it" then great. If not, then its time to move on.
It doesn't mean that he wont soul search after you break up, maybe he will get saved in 15 yrs or at some point. Only God knows if you'll both be single by then and reunite equally yoked. Until then, go forward following Christ, according to Scripture, and eventually find a qualified godly man to marry.
If, when you talk, he finally "gets it", and does embrace Christ fully, then celebrate 🥳 AND get him plugged in to the church this week. Call the pastor and ask to meet with him asap about his decision for Christ, Baptism, Discipleship, membership and getting him plugged into the mens group, and paired with a couple godly mature men there to help guide him.
If he doesnt get it and hasnt fully surrendered to Christ, then in love, leave him in God's hands, and move on. Don't dwell on it, nor be like Lot's wife. Keep your eyes on Jesus as you move onwards, following Him. God will take care of everything else.
Pray on this before you start the convo with him. And pray on it afterwards, so God can give you peace, as you trust Him and follow the righteous path, following Christ above anything and anyone.
God bless
Related
Footnote:
(2) Whatever sins hes dealing with, struggling with, might not be the ones with you which hes unaware are even wrong (lust, & sexual sins). So keep that in mind.
As to Resources to help him with pursuing holiness in purity, this resource will help (if hes saved) and this book too [it includes the Gospel as well, as a good follow up to your convo].
(1) These will help on that moralism/Fruit topic.
Fruit of the Spirit (study)
(2) job help related
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