I don't want a parent in my life. (Though professes but fruit isnt showing). help.
Q: Is it wrong that I dont want my dad in my life?
I am confused on what to do with my relationship with my dad. I would love godly advice.
Growing up my parents were never married and I saw my dad every other weekend. If i was sick he’d take me back to my mom’s house. He never wanted to do anything hard when it came to parenting. My mom did all the real parenting. I mainly lived with her. I’d just see him now and then and as I got older I stopped going around him. He has anger issues and easily blows up at people everywhere we went. He never got angry at me. Just everyone else. He doesn’t work. When I would visit him, he would want me to pick him up so he doesnt loose his parking spot. He never would risk loosing his parking spot to meet me somewhere. He is a professes as Christian but doesnt go to church (because he thinks he knows more) and & says no church Is good enough… he cusses people out, but also does hands out Bible tracts. He constantly puts down other Christians and claim he knows more. Do we walk away? How do we honor parents like him?
Now I’m an adult and married and moved a couple hours away. I honestly don’t want him in my life. I’m not angry at him- I just don’t really want him in my life or around my husband and future children. Is this wrong? I feel bad for him because he doesn’t have anyone. But every time I think of reaching out to him 😟🙁....I just can’t because his personality is so difficult.
Thanks.
A: It is good to start thinking about the relationship with your dad. Even though he was absent or not the father God wanted him to be.
Sinners sin. Saved or not. Some worse than others, but if hes actually unsaved, we can't expect him to behave like a saved person. And we have to be a godly witness by our lives and words, living out our Faith before them. God forgave us and didn't throw us away so likewise we who claim to have the love of God in us [the saved] wont throw our loved ones away just cuz its more convenient to us. They spent 18 yrs raising us (as messed up and imperfect it was), how ungrateful would we (especially as a believer) be if we behaved as the unsaved (who do such evil things).
We are to show love, and be respectful towards parents, even step or bad ones. With God in us, we can do this. Remaining in their lives allows us to minister to them showing forth/ shining Christ (who is in us). To draw him to truth, salvation and change.
With your dad's situation if hes not at church, and playing pretend believer or solo Christianity... that's not biblical. He might be false convert (in idolatry), and needs to hear and see true Christianity.
As to church, hes making excuses. Firat, theres no way he knows more than a pastor whose studied his life anx his carerr is preaching and shroherding the flock. Hes been doing that 30 to 50 years of his life, your dad has not. So that's arrogance. Second, there's no perfect church, just as hes not perfect, neither will the other congregants be [the saved ones there, nor the false converts & other unsaved ones among them]. And, Every believer is at their own growth level going on their own walk. We are not all equally leveled as if salvation makes us perfect as we would like to instantly be as Adam pre fall or Christ as the perfect human); some 60 year old are new believers, some 30 year old are long been mature believers. Jesus is the only perfect one. He needs to grasp that. [Our perfection doesn't happen until we step into eternity, leaving this body of sin behind].
We need to have a believers loving right mindset, and use these problems and situations to minister to such parents, as wisely as we can (over time), as opportunities arise, and we actively seek and stay sensitive to pay attention to engage in.
Some ideas to start would be visit. Be part of his life. Youre only around him a hour or so when you visit. And there take opps to engage & share targeted videos with him you saw and ask his thoughts. Like this church one... show it in person (on tv preferably), ...and then ask him to come to church with you on Sunday. Go together, have father daughter day (without expectations so theres no disapointments), and a lunch together. Even if it is your treat. Drive him or take Uber if needed. *My husband also has a thing about parking spaces (but only cuz there are never any available over here. Its a 45 min wait, wasting gas idling and driving nearby streets around the apt to find one 🥲). Just see it as a way to bless & minister to him. If it becomes a financial burden, ask if he wouldn't mind fueling up for you, or providing a lil gas money during hard times. If yes, may. If not, trust God to provide.
After the church attempt, try again a few times if he says no. And try on Christmas and Easter too, & try on a special event day or fellowship gathering or potluck/bbq/picnic. After he goes with you once. or keeps rejecting for a year....*Then* (in person) share this video with him and have a gentle probing convo. It might get him self reflecting. It will help him reflect on whether hes genuinely saved or not. [If so, he needs to work on areas hes being disobedient to God, going his own way & particular sins known]. And whether hes not really living as he should.
You can further lovingly probe (in casual convo) *after that* (if he keeps claiming hes saved) on asking: about his fruit growth (where[?] hes grown in the Fruit of the Spirit) this year and recently(?). Ask what sins hes been tackling(?). You can *start* by sharing those things about yourself as a praise report on your faith [& it glorifies God]. Then ask him about that of himself. It prevents him thinking your judging him, and it will get him thinking (even if he gets huffy or doesnt tell you), he will think about it later. But [at the convo] you could also ask him to pray for you (now together, & later himself) on certian areas you struggling in, but follow it with sharing what steps your taking to conquer it and other temptations, to live victorious in Christ. This will again get him thinking.
You can ask what he is reading in Scripture right now. And/or when the last time he read the Bible. A professing person's life is usually off track or goes off the cliff if theyre not in church, and not in Scripture daily, (being guided and renewed by the Word). And the prayer life follows [both become pretty nill]. And so they start going their way and living in sin. So godly believers need to encourage, exhort and guide them back. They've not one to lovingly call them back to the righteous path to live holy if theres no church regularly in his life to keep him accountable as no shepherds are around. If hes alone, hes not only in an echo chamber to his own opinions (Judges 21:25, Proverbs 14:12), but youre the only believer relationally "close" enough to minister in his life. He needs you. God can use you in his life.
And, if you have kids, you are teaching them truth and raising them in the Lord [in your comings and goings (not just at church), see Deuteronomy 6:6-7)]. You will have discussions (once you leave that visit or your dad leaves a gathering where yall were there, either in the car or at home, [depending where its freshest])... explaining from biblical worldview about the wrong and errors and what your dad didn't realize...so it plants truth in them [kids]. So they see the world and its errors from a biblical lense. And you guide anc train them up to think right, & behave right. And yall can pray together for grandpa at night before bed, that God will open his eyes to these truths, and that the kids will remember these things, so they live life well, being guided by God and the truths he teaches us in the Bible so we think & live rightly. And are blessed.
These are some examples to minister, show love, including each other in yalls life, esp with your dad. Your husband should be doing this too, and later leading by example to your kids in family relationships likewise (& in convos w the kids).
I am fairly certian one thing I said as a mid teen to my uncaring stepfather (God related) did made an impact on him; God used that. A few yrs later, after moved out, he was then going to church, and yrs later found out he got saved not long after I moved out (they threw me out not wanting me my whole life but thats another story). I worked hard (after returning to the state after military services overseas) to build a relationship with them. 30 yrs later its still got problems and some certian things have never been addressed, but I'm working on it. It needs to be done with grace. They were at a tiny church and read the Bible daily. Not sure how much they self reflect as they keep messing up, or if still oblivious to it, but they've not had opps nor a good church to help them grow, so those need to be taken into account... and do my best to show grace, forgiveness and love. A lot of Bible stuff gets taught but if its not guiding their thoughts and behaviors towards family & others they arent really living out their faith. Fruit growth should show. And when families never communicate, nor deal wuth certian issues, they act like it doesnt exist. Its fine if its in the past and you just forgave (though they should come to you, biblically, to recincile), but if its continuing still long after claiming saved... it needs addressing, but carefully. You dont want to blow up the relationship and burn the bridge so theres no way back. God wouldn't be pleased with that.
With your dad... Keep on at it. Live out your faith before him as best you can, and as you mature and show loving grace & by not holding things over him or against him, it will free you, giving you peace, ...and (sooner or later) he will see Christ shining through you 😊. He will get saved, or stop stagnating & grow. And it can open more convos and foster prayer (giving each other prayer requests) & closer fellowship.
Even if he rejects all your attempts & what you lovingly say in Christian convos... keep at it. God will work on him. So don't beat yourself up. You are still young, so Grow day by day yourself, and do what you can. You're not a failure. God will work in and through it all.
Just be faithful to God, follow Christ and become more like him (our perfect example of a holy human; being holy like God).
As to his Anger and other problems, once the time comes that hes open to hearing it, &/or desiring to conquer varied sins, these can be a good help to share with him.
His self righteousness and arrogance with a know more/know better mindset is a problem and might show someone isnt saved. But theres believers who gossip who are saved & weak but need to conquer that sin. So it depends in life Fruit. If unsure, treat him as unsaved and just love on him no matter what. And, know youre only responsible for your behaviors and words, as he his. Chip away at what you can, planting seeds gently and carefully. (Matthew 10:16).
Hope this helps 😊✨️
God bless
