Help: Spouse doesnt help at home & I'm exhausted
Q: I am intensely frustrated with my husband. Married with no kids yet. We both work full time, but I am the only one doing housework.
I throw out the trash, cook, clean, do his laundry, fold them and put them away, clean the house, feed the dogs, water the insane amount of plants we have. He doesn’t throw any pet potty pads away (even if they’re full with pee, nir deal with their poop), so they end up peeing on the rugs. I feel since it is family stuff he doesnt take it seriously.
i’m highly annoyed. I feel slowly and slowly he did this to get me to end up doing everything and him nothing and always uses the excuse of "work" even if he gets home early. I'm annoyed. he doesn’t realize my full day is caring for the house, him, and the dogs.
I have an hour of free time to myself if I stay up super late (then i’m tired to get up for work and to workout). I have no time or energy to do things that make me happy. It does not feel fair. 😭
A: You're info is missing whether he is Christian, claims to be, and your church status. That info is needed to counsel better.
Is he saved? Is he growing in holiness? If he was he would love you as Christ loves the Church, and grow more in that too. Sounds like he is unsaved and just wanted a permanent maid. Unsaved folk do what they do because if who they are by nature, and only seek selfish gain for themselves without caring about others. It's a big reason why we are only to date & marry a vetted believer. What you're experiencing is the result of being unequally yoked.
Since you chose your husband, you get the result of that decision and its fruit; which appears bad.
So while there's consequences to that decision, we still have to live godly before our husband, serve the Lord and our spouse in love. Radiating Christ & in hope he will come to Christ (true salvation) so God changes him into the man, husband & leader he was designed to be.
If hes not saved you dont have the benefits & helps that equally yoked married couples have within the church; a most valuable asset. It provides discipleship, growth in areas of life and relationships, counsel, counseling, and church discipline to get him back in the path of pursuing holiness and becoming more like Christ. It is very devastating and with hardly any helps, & is mostly solo failed attempts when an unequally yoked couple has problems, as their lives are not both centered on Christ.
Are his parents saved (or not)? Is this the behavior of how life with his parents was at home too (?) [even if theyre unsaved but he professes Christ now]. Is he mimicing what he thinks marriage is like based on his home life experience? If theyre not like this, Have you talked with his parents? If he highly respects his dad, or mom, he would listen to them, if you ask them to have a serious talk about his role as husband & leader at home.
Have you talked to him about these problem issues and related things? If hes saved or professes such, have you gone the full gamet of what's avail to you in the church (through pastors& decons help, the godly men in mens group reaching out, discipling, counseling guiding him [pouring into his life]) so he understands clearly his role at home, that hes to be a sacrificing servant, not kicking up his feet? And the congregation along with the church rallying/disciplining him to repent and live rightly? If you are not in a church nor member at one, then you have to find & join one. Repent of not being in church, and become part of the body/community there, and work on yourself and areas you can make changes.
That includes options such as doing certian things only a couple times a week vs every day. Downsizing the amount of plants, paying for occassional housekeeping help. Eating on paper plates and using disposable utensils. Using a service for your laundry. Maybe even light dog care at home during the day or installing a pet door so they can do their business outside (if in a house w backyard not an apt). Or even rehoming your pets. Talking to your job about adjusting your hours, or to your husband about stopping work, reorganizing budgets, and be a stay at home wife, if he's not going to contribute to housework. These might be extreme, but if conversations aren’t working it might be time to think of creative solutions so you can reclaim some of your time and peace, as it isnt right for him to laze about, nor stop helping (many men do thst, but there's ways of not letting them get away with it). Bring the laundry over and have him help fold it. Ask him to take the trash out cuz youre doing xzy. Ask him to put the laundry in the washer, or to move it to drier. Ask him to go put potty pads in the outside bin. Start implementing these asks, with expectation of him doing it. If necessary, go on strike for a few days. Even food, have him send for himself. Once the place looks bad, he will complain, then you can tell him it is because he never helps and whether you [she] works or not, both should be contributing to maintaining the home daily. He shouldn't be able to laze about when you are working 2 jobs and the one at home never ends nor lends you [her] opportunity for rest or me time. And youre not going to put up with it anymore. If he still doesnt help, and keep helping from then in [create a wipeoff help chart where he can find somethings to do and mark it off for the day]. Ask him to pick 3-4 things off the list each day to do when he gets home, to help with [besides occassional car/yard stuff he likely does] that you wrote on the list [some are daily tasks, some are addl needs], & ask him to help with 1-2 of other needs. If he doesnt get with this new way of life [and stick with it]... invite folk over while the place is a mess. He will be embarrassed cuz what was behind closed doors, has been exposed to others, and thrill think hes dirty and lazy. [*Do let them know in advance that the place is messy because youre teaching him a lesson to start helping his wife.] You're trying course correction and behavior changes by this, not a rude mean revenge plot. Keep plugging away at it and your expectations of him. If theres no expectations he wont do anything. While there's no incentives for an unsaved person to help when they get nothing out of it... you can keep at it until its normal routine for him to help. Which gives you some needed rest too, and can grow the general intimacy and positive thoughts towards one another.
Regardless, I need to note: we arent to complain about things & do all as serving the Lord. So let God change your way of thinking, too in all of this too. See it as a chance for growth (sanctification) and maturity (following & obeying God more) in Christlikeness.
God bless
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