30, want to date, but no one; online?
Q: What are your thoughts towards online dating as a way of meeting people? As someone who has always been single, am almost 30, with no children. How do you go about meeting people? My church doesn't have a singles ministry
I definitely desire marriage one day, wanting to do things God's way. Do you just sit and do nothing, or get out and attempt to meet people, seeing that would at least help me out psychologically? Although it's only been God, church, and school as the only thing that Ive known, Ive kinda realized that in some ways I don't know how to talk to people (potentially interested man). I probably wouldn't realize that a man was wanting to express his potential interest unless he directly told me, lol.
Truthfully, sometimes it would be nice to just to have someone to chat with or maybe even to go get a cup a coffee.
Any biblical and honest advice both pros, cons and wisdom.
A: My Aunt did internet in like 2003, but ended up with an unsaved man from it. They married. There used to be a website for true Christians, in early-mid 2000's until a law forced lgbt folk to be on it and now its full of progressives. It would be really hard to find and vet someone "well enough" online today. Not totally impossible, but a lot more work than you would have from your church circle and trusted folk. Lots of scammed and catfish out there, (and those with bad intentions). If you exhaust all the below possibilities, do it only with lots of boundaries and only with those local enough to meet up face to face, and not through the website (since they can just be bots or use Ai to write to you, to appease/reply what you ask & discuss. It can be manufactured today, so best to avoid. It is def 100% better to find folk through those you know and trust. Here's some thoughts and guidance to do that.
Before we start, I just want to note, in general, men mature much more slowly than women.womeans brain is mature at 25. But for men it can take up to age 45. That's why many [never married] men aged 40 to 50 [if healthy!] can be ideal candidates as someone to pursue to marry, cuz theyre genuinely marraige focused and will want it to work out esp if theyre Christian. I don't recommend you date any guy you think isnt mature in the faith by age 35, or might be a false convert. Move on. You dont have time to waste (child bearing years). Older guys can still have kids, if you have him get a medical check up you'll know his testosterone levels, and how healthy the swimmers are. So if highly mature in the faith and as a person from your age onwards, try to date those guys, as theyll be the spiritual leader and leader over the home. You want a guy with integrity, who doesn't do things a immature guy would (hobbies, gaming, sports, drinking, etc). You want a solid leader who will love you as Christ loves the church, nit just lovey dovey. You get to pick the guy who will be over you, so dont rush it, and be wise about it. Don't let your lovely dovey emotions override your self control and godly mindset. Think of it as hes interviewing for the role of a lifetime, and you'll have borders and boundaries, and your church leadership taking an active role to help you.
Even if theres no singles group or ministry at your church, doesnt mean theres no singles there, or coming there soon.
And be actively serving at your church. Learning to use the gifts God gave you for in the church, and improving your interpersonal skills in talking to others. Push yourself out of your comfort zone every day, and every day at church, and when dating. All you're doing is moving from thoughts to mouth, to speak out things you are thinking, but saying them in a good way.
Don't hesitate or think too long on how to say something. If you messed up or they take it wrong, they'll ask what did you mean? Or can you clarify, or did you mean.. ? You can also say, oh, sorry I meant... there's Grace among believers. Let them know you "are working on your social skills, and trying to put yourself out there more, so please be kind and gracious when I fumble it".
Ok....
Firstly, Since you've stated that you wouldn't be able to decern a guy's intentions, I think, right now, it's best that you sit with God and talk to Him. Also, begin working on you and allow God to work within to grow you up from the inside out into maturity- & so you can learn how to decern people. Ask your leaders to help you figure out how to do that, the set a path to pursue it.
You probably should prioritize that time and with God to strengthen yourself, spirit and learn the lessons are being taught to you first, before moving forward to date. So youre mature enough as a person and in the Faith so that when the right guy comes along, it will be the right timing.
I never would've dated my husband when he was younger. He had long hair and just not "right enough". Like 3 little bears, it takes time for everything to be "just right".
Then, start...at your church & move out to try inter church connections. Exhaust all these possibilities first. It doesnt make you look desperate, they'll actually be glad you are looking wisely, and seeking godly folk to guide you to some. You can have a more safety and assurance that someone's a legit believer this way, too.
First look for single men in your church, and among the congregants (their adult kids, or their siblings, cousins) [pick a age window] including asking the decons and pastors of guys who they know whose "single and a true mature believer pursuing holy living (who might be seeking to or are wanting to marry)". See also if anyone they know (pastors, friends, seminary/college friends, "close"family members, "close" relatives) along with folk they know in the denomination, & from associate churches; you could go to to ask their leadership [about the same as you asked your pastor]. This way you've got folk who can tell you about the person. Meet the person and have some boundaries & assurances, and accountability in place on variety of levels.
If you went to college, ask student alumni you know (who are truly saved, and still persevering in the Faith), the same questions. If it was a Christian college (well sadly the college probably progressed to liberal views) cautiously check out guys recommended and at events the school puts on. And consider from alumni gatherings. While these folk are outside your circle of influence to where theyre not vetted, you'll have to do the vetting [and asking about him at his church, and by his leadership, and among his church friends (there where he is a member). Then broaden out to his family and friends, and church buddies. Probing and asking good questions. And more deeper questions once you find he's a suitor & agrees to meet up, with potential "to date with intentions to marry", & while dating. There's dating tips and resources here. Of course, stop dating or pause dating him if you find potential red flags (like beliefs he has that you find incompatible biblically, as he would be the spiritual head of the home, over you, that you submit to as he would also teach those things to his kids). Be prayerful in the pause and include the pastor(s) while dating (together & seperately) for godly counsel. And meet up together with the decons too for the same. They'll help you think and talk through marriage and preparations, even long prior to pre marriage counseling and classes. If your church is so tiny they dont have that, consider a church yours is associated with that does have those offerings, and go there for that & get additional counsel from their leadership.
Look up & go to events put on by your church, & associate churches(1) too. To give you more possibilities to find the right guy.
Associate churches are ones your church interacts with. They have association with them. This is normal with independent churches and even those within the SBC. Its seen like with cooperating churches like John MacArthur, RC Sproul, Paul Washer and Voddie. Theyre all of different denominations, yet they associate with, gather and do events together or and had vetted them to platform them, allowing them to speak at and preach at their church or conferences.
Denominations will associate with nearby churches of their denomination, and like other churches the above outside their denimination.
So think of what events your church puts on during the year where adults go, and what church association events they announce. You can ask the church secretary & the decons, and check your church website for this year, or browse the Facebook page to see what they've done before.
They'll tell you. You can browse and ask the decons and pastor if your church still associates with that church, if they're in good standing still (haven't gone away from biblical truth).
There's lots of ways to find single men, through church contacts.
Even if you prayerfully pause the relationship for a while, or/& date other folk until youre ready to pick one to be serious about to pursue in courtship. I would be clear up front at the start, of any suitor that "while he might be the right guy for you, you want to be open to date other guys to find the one who is most suitable for you because as a woman you would be putting yourself under him in submission role and him in leadership role for life, so you need to make sure the guy you pick to pursue is right, since he will be 'interviewing for the role of a lifetime'. So you want to make sure you pick well, and with others godly input and guidance along the way." A pause isnt goodbye like those who break up. It's a time where he respects her & trusts God that he will be picked and pursued if its a good match for you (the woman). The pause might be 3 months, 6 months or a year. If it works out, you'll be back.
If you find a more suitable guy (whose more right, as time had told) then you'll let the other guy know (by the end of a year) that you've decided to end the relationship with him, as you're pursuing someone else more seriously. *If he asks why or has curiosity (why its nit him), you can tell him, kindly. If theres iffy stuff about him, have that convo with his pastor there, so theres safety for you, and the pastor can guide and shepherd him in a way to work on corrections so he can be a better suitor for someone else later on. He was patient with you this whole time, so letting him know reasons (for you) that you passed, can be a help to him. He might be insecure about some things, and if he is helped to see them, he can correct and mature in those areas.
If you date a few potentials that year but aren't sure, get more pastoral input and guidance. He will have been meeting those guys all this time, even if its 7 guys.
Talk through expectations in married life, what life looks like together (and with kids), and other discussions, so youre not blindsided once married.
And to protect yourself, have a trusted chaperone with you both whenever you mert up. And see the other safety, chastity and boundaries to put in place, at the start, to protect you both from temptations, at the dating link above.
If you set the rules up front, "any good suitor with godly motives", will respect those boundaries and policies you put in place, cuz they love God and care about you, and what's right. Years later after married, you'll both be so glad you went about it all that way. (And will be good guides for your children's courting too).
God bless
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