How to discern if it is unwise to date court or marry someone who drinks

Q: I’m 24, I’m still learning. Any godly advice on how to approach this situation is appreciates.

Lately, my boyfriend and I have been discussing the topic of alcohol a lot. He believes drinking in moderation is not sin and I was taught that drinking any alcohol at all is a sin because it ultimately causes us to separate from God, especially because of what I’ve seen alcohol do in my family. 

He says drinking in moderation is not a sin because the Bible only talks about drunkardness. But my conviction has always been that any amount of alcohol is not good.

He is saved and is a good leader at church, he communicates very well and does seek counsel from mature believers. He doesnt do drugs (like marijuana even). But I will say that His parents got divorced a year ago, and he did get drunk. His dad drinks (so he doesn’t have the best example). I was raised differently, which is why I think that we see things differently. We both have experienced different things in our childhood. He admits that it was a mistake (getting drunk), he felt really bad about it and ended up giving his testimony at church over it. It appears to have caused him to seek God more. 

I just don’t know how he would handle future crisis situations.… He says he would turn to God obviously, but I don’t know. I've just been having doubts, whether or not it’s a good idea to stay in a relationship where we both have different believes on this topic. Because for example, if we have kids, what are we going to teach them? He says we don’t have to agree on this topic, we can just choose to respect each other‘s opinion while still being in a relationship. I guess I’m wondering, Is it possible to ultimately be in a marriage where we disagree on this topic, where he would be leader of the home,  or would this cause too many problems in the future, and I should leave the relationship?

A:  Does he know your family's history and your concerns over it? 

He failed when a big crisis hit, and sought alcohol over God and the Word so that's a red flag. But he seems to have repented and trying to go the right path. 

Since you talked this out and he communicated well across the board over it, it appears he is having proper thoughts about his failing, and we all do fail even as believers, but it's good he was open and honest. 

He, like you, he is probably young too. So if you pursue the relationship, you need to discuss with specific questions (see below) and get indications [and a plan in place] for how he will deal with them going forward. You need to watch and see for a good while. 

Is he willing to give up drinking totally, besides maybe 1 toast at a wedding, or 1 toast at his boss' holiday party? Is he willing to change to non alcoholic drinks on those occasions too? What is his policy, and integrity in that area? Who will hold him accountable at church? This is what you need to find out, and address. And watch him impliment. 

Having family who are alcoholics def puts a bigger consideration on you, since his drinking could cause those of your members to start drinking or encourage him in drinking more and unnecessarily, or his father too by parent/peer pressure. 

Maybe his unsaved alcoholic father's "life influence" had lead him towards the wrong "then", and sinned, but God could've convicted and corrected him, as your outcome noted, time will tell if it was contrite and genuine (or just sorrow of the world with no change). I suggest you need to watch over time, and see how he handles more & other crisises (not just one) to ensure he won't become an alcoholic...as it will devistate the relationship and possibly the marriage (if you are dating to marry) as well as your kids lives too.

Who are the leaders over him and who influence him at church? I hope he has some. Ensure the godly men at church, and the ones he is around, know your concerns over this and ask them to do a [self made] study about this to guide him and really get him thinking in holy mindset and for the future when he has a career job and family responsibilities. He needs men close to Him to also guide and be confidant counselors advisors (who also hold him accountable for holy living) for his situations, so he can think godly minded and live those out in practice. 

Yes in Jesus time wine was okay, but there were no hard liquor back then. The wine in Israel was pretty much purified water since there were always dangers of bad water,they purified it. Wine then was 1 part alcohol to 7 or 10 parts water. Not like alcohol content in today's wine. 

Here are other considerations & counsel to help you as you pray about it. And ones you should keep in mind now and in possible future relationships.

General Inquiry of alcohol drinkers:
Is he saved? And living holy?

How does he handle problems in life?
How does he handle crisis situations?
Does he communicate well?
Does he seek godly counsel from the leadership/mature believer men at church?
Is there any concern he will become alcoholic by depending on substances and not on God and in His Word?
Does he do drugs? Like even marijuana
What does he do when he encounters problems in life?
Does he only drink one glass here or there, or is it more? 

Does he drink at gatherings, bbqs or events?

Has he ever drank more than is wise/been tipsy or drunk?

Does he drink a lot or more than he should when around college friends/coworkers?
Are all/majority of his close friends "solid" godly & mature believers in the Word?
Does he without fail never drive if he has drank?
Does he have a policy with his friends & family to always have a sober driver bring them/those ones home; not letting anyone drink & drive?
And does he never get in vehicles of anyone who has drank alcohol?

Is he willing to give up alcohol totally to continue dating you and if marriage minded be willing to never drink alcohol again? 

*Have you asked these questions about him with his siblings and close friends and perhaps ex girlfriends?

These will be indicators whether you need to not pursue a relationship with him. #1 being if he's not born again (and actively always living a holy life, progressing in sanctification).

Spend time in prayer and thinking of any future with him. If its a no go then end the relationship amicably. If he goes to your church, hold no I'll will towards each other nor gossip of him, & just pray God will intervene in his life and remove/prevent alcohol being an issue. 

This article has resources to educate further on alcohol and what needs to be considered about substances of any kind. 

God bless

Related 

Resources for Believers

Footnote

1 Corinthians 15:33-34 

Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals.” Wake up from your drunken stupor, as is right, and do not go on sinning. For some have no knowledge of God. I say this to your shame