Husband porn and divorce?
Q:So I asked my husband for a separation today because I found out he's been watching porn and masturbating to instagram. He also was looking up his exes. It's always been an issue with the porn. But now that he said he uses instagram "to promote his farm" and now with his exes it's gotten worse..I wanna know if I'm wrong for separating.
We're in a 10 year marriage unequally yoked. He's had a problem the entire relationship with porn and I always overlook it and put my feelings aside but now I found out that he's also doing that to instagram and looking up his exes I just can't overlook that.. he begged me not to leave and I just know he'll never change because he always apologizes and nothing ever changes! ... for context we have sex everyday multiple times (if not every other day so there's really no excuse). I've always stopped doing things when he tells me he's uncomfortable regardless what it is. He's a great dad and other than this he's a good husband but I just can't help but feel that's cheating on me. He also told me that he would do it every single day regardless if we had relations or not. And he lied to me every time I asked him about it. Until after I left him he gave me a lot of hurtful details.
A: I am not sure if you rebelliously ignored God's command to not marry an unbeliever or if you became a believer after marrying. Sounds like the former which doesnt bring blessing but consequences of your decision.
I can say if he is not saved then he will do what sinners do by nature-- love and live in sin - even if he holds some morals outwardly in speech and actions that seem right... he needs transformation. He cant stop sinning until he's dead to the sin nature [when he is born again by God - receiving spiritual life].
God can still totally transform him into a new creation with a new righteous desires. So if you are willing to love others as "God loved you as a sinner & enemy" until you were saved, and be Christlike towards him, to give it a real chance... then consider these helps to do so. It might be a long spiritual fight but it will show your kids and the world the transformation God can do.
Have you ever had a solid Gospel convo with him? If not ask him to understand the Gospel, him to ask God for salvation and immediate deliverance from this sin. Send him to NeedGod.com vid first.
Then help him understand the true Holiness of God and the seriousness of sin. Here are helps for him to go through, or both of you together.
Additionally here is a counseling resource to conquer this particular sin (porn, masterbation > and sexual sins if it applies). The unsaved can stop drinking and doing drugs and doing porn thru behavior modification. But believers are not sinless, but... we use biblical guidance in living out righteousness and to conquer and have victory over a sin. We can do it because of the righteous nature we have, & in the power of God; by the indwelling Holy Spirit.
When it comes to his business he needs to buy or find leads elsewhere. Of people he doesnt know. He needs accountability around that as well for a few years to ensure he isnt tempted to do those things again or escalate to physical adultery.
For his personal life he should block all those accts of those women and install Covenant Eyes accountability software on his devices and computers so 1. you see everything- and 2. add a mature godly man at church to be an accountability buddy too.
*Make a rule for him to not be on social media for personal reasons if you are not there [watching]. And that includes if you are seperated.
* Plus get him connected to the mens group and actively participating in meet ups and studies with them. He needs to be around godly men influencing him in righteousness. Even when you are still seperated.
Separation while you/he work thru this....is fine as 👉long as you are both working together towards (his repentance &) your marriage restoration. Includes intervention & biblical counseling (and above resources will help). He seems to not want to lose you, so use that to your advantage to seek his salvation & growing a godly walk. Be patient and loving along the way, but firm.
1 Corinthians 7:13-16
“And if a believing woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to continue living with her, she must not leave him.”
This doesnt mean he gets to blatantly untepentantly live in sin and you are stuck! It does mean tho to live out your faith without compromise and obey God over man.
13 if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
15 But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. 16 How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?
1 cor 7: 5 Do not deprive each >>other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
The goal of separation is to remove yourself from a bad situation (like physical abuse), for him to see the seriousness of this issue, to get deep in the Scriptures so you [and he] can seek counsel from God and make changes necessary, incl from pastor and a prof. biblical counselor, so sins can conquered, so there can be repentance, restoration and new way of living rightly towards God and each other.
1 Corinthians 7:14
For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband; for otherwise your children are unclean, but now they are holy.
1 Peter 3:1
In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives
1 Corinthians 7:3
The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband.
1 Cor 7: 39 A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord.
👆If it is severed due to adultery (thought or deed) in which he doesnt repent, doesnt get saved, doesnt work to conquer the sin - then he has severed the marriage. Same with abandonment and abuse. It has a death component which ends the covenant(1). If he is unrepentant, unchanging then he has abandoned you for lustful sins, is committing, adultery, and has probably also abused you emotionally and spiritually too.
However to move from seperation to divorce, you must carefully understand Scripture on this matter so you do not commit adultery [in God's eyes] after divorcing him. Matt 19:9
Praying God works amazing wonders in your marriage and is a testimony you both can use to witness to others and help those who are trapped in sin, incl porn.
I will say that Scripture does say to return to your husband, so if you just ditched him and are not seeking restoration & reconcilliation then you need to go back to him, and make that clear too. If in the process he doesnt want you anymore then ask him if he wants to start divorce proceedings. He has to leave you for it to be biblical. Otherwise follow the above and fight for his soul/salvation and your marriage restoration.
Scripture is clear, if hes unsaved, incl professing but a a false convert ... you are to remain married and love godly beford him, Perchance God will save him some day. God will use your marriage to grow you into maturity in the Faith.
Helps:
Right mindset, grace forgiveness & love
What believers need to know before running off and divorcing
Unequally Yoked Resources for Living godly before your husband
Let's pray God uses you, your pastor and a qualified biblical counselor to help bring your husband to salvation, restore your marriage and transform you both in the process 🥰🫂
God bless!
Footnote
(1) See the 2pt sermon on "marriage and divorce" for those details.
