Pastoral problems
Our Pastors family and ours has become very close, more like family and friends and interacting all the time. We felt that Pastor was dictated to by his family (who all hold leader and executives position in the church) on a matter. Recently there have been things spoken by his family and the Pastor that upset us.
Then the Pastor never contacted us as to why we were not going to church (plus we were part of the worpship team), and when we took the first step to address our concerns Pastor does not want to meet with us but instead have us neet his executive team before he will talk to us (his family who majority are leaders and executives in the church). We are also hurt that a Pastor could just let us go away from his church when we were committed. Also when we went to go pick up something from the church... he stood by without saying a word and we felt such hurt. We feel that had Pastor wanted to resolve this wouldnt be problematic. Please advise whether we are in the wrong as we seems to think that this miscommunication could have been sorted out without the involvement of the executive others involved.
A: It is very bizarre to have a family running a church. It sounds more like a business style modern false-church instead of biblical one. Too many of these popping up everywhere (and usually they are unsaved &>> for profit or and are wannabe celebstyle people & copaster spouse team nonsense with a "me" focus, instead of just born again believers focusing on God). Charlatans like these are why we need to know the essentials of Christianity, and know Scripture well so the demonic run false ones can't lure you in or deceive you.
If there are issues in a biblical church that needs addressing then following a chain of escalation is biblical, but if there's situations where a pastor is gatekeeping to prevent himself from being in the spotlight to search/hold him accountable,(or to biblically address an issue "going to your brother"), then that is a red flag too. There are some appropriate times to contact the Pastor instead of starting with the Decons and other Elders. And if he is a biblical shepherd he would be happy to have conversations to restore what went wrong. You should have full access to him regardless.
Not all pastors are pastors planted by God. Many are unsaved & wolves seeking profit off of people. Many weak and new believers get sucked into such "churches", (and kids who are raised in them 😬 are worse off too).
Also note that while it appears you had wandered from that church it doesnt mean [in a true church] that you are not accountable for your stop attending. The pastor doesnt need to chase people down. There is a time where he can assume you are a false convert and Scripture says " they left us for they were not among us". But if it is a situation where 'he' refuses to talk, correct, repent, restore then follow Scripture Matt 18 then treat him as an unbeliever and leave that church if he wont have open convos with you. He is hiding something or many things and doesnt want to be found out.
In a good church a pastor is rightly shepherding that flock of the Lord. He would be checking in on some members where he has concerns where like yours (being close & sth goes wrong) or such as not seeing you in a while. You might be injured, hospitalized, helping care for family far away, on foreign business etc... but usually your Sunday School teacher would know that and pass it on, because as redeemed family we share with each other in class and prayer time. Even for traveling mercies.
But if there's a biblical problem or flag that has you needing to ask kindly to the pastor or decons about it, for clarity on the situation, then you have access to do that. There is no gatekeeping in biblical churches. We are all equal brethren. He is simply serving in the church as the shepherd. He is responsible to God at a higher level than others in the congregation. You could start with the decons and leaders but if it is a direct pastoral issue you are to go directly to him in private.
In a biblical church you do need to address this and see if there is an issue or get clarity that actually [really] does align w Scripture (cuz it affects communion and closes prayer from God's ears due to unresolved sin), or if is a non essential type preference allowed in the freedom in Christ.
In proper sense, you can't just run away and not go to church, or any church, then blame the pastor.
If something is wrong it needs addressing. If it is a discipline issue for you or the pastor then it needs to be lovingly resolved biblically so there is reconciliation and restoration. If it is a deal breaker type situation as in biblically wrong and is a hill to die on... or find out theyre a false church - then you are better off moving to a biblical church where that is not an issue.
There is a possibility a pastor is a new pastor and mightve been raised up in apprenticeship in church and not got a Theology degree with counseling classes, (and yet doesnt know how to engage when he is a problem). Such a pastor needs some Grace and trying to work it out as you appear to have tried. If he really is a biblical pastor, would send a kind and summary like email to him directly. Ask for him to call you for a clarity talk and that you want to address the issue biblically with the hope of resolution & restoration. If he doesnt respond or doesnt want to deal with it, then move to a new church. This doesnt mean church hop whenever things dont go your way. This is only in certian situations.
You can find a church search here and pastoral and leadership questions to ask to vett them well before you put yourself under that new church's leadership/authority. Find the best one in an hours drive or train ride at a longer distance. But be prepared to actively be there and participate every week in worship, learning... and serving. It is your Christian family.
Here are loads of helpful things to understand about church, churches, pastors, and how to navigate issues. It has a church search finder as well as church vetting questions. Not all encompassing page on church matters but is very good to help believers understand better & guide in growth. I hope it blesses you, and that God leads you to a biblical church.
Self Counseling for growing in the faith & handling issues well in this fallen world.
Remember the church has false converts and non believers mixed in there. It is a fallen world. Even the believers are growing and at diff levels of growth and maturity so be gracious, patient and forgiving in a Christlike manner. And saturate everything in prayer and the Word.
God bless.
