Possibly dating a military person
Q: I'm talking to a guy friend who is a Marine. We met and talked a year ago, but for 3 weeks now have currently been talking again. I am 19 and Hes 23. [We had lost touch, but recently reconnected]. We have had some serious conversations, and he asked me to be his girlfriend.
During the serious talks he said he used to drink back when he was deployed overseas, but he quit his drinking habit because it was addicting, and the troops he hung around were bad influences.
We havent talked for a few days because he was gone for a drill. But, somehow it seems things things are different. He says he is a man of God and he respects the things I ask. He says he is saved as well. I recently got saved last Sunday 😊🎉.
But I worry and stress this relationship will be the same as other ones I've been in. They were abusive and not healthy. I obsess over the smallest things and stress when things change. I just want to know any good godly advice.
A: You are at a young age, but I joined Mil at 19. I met my (mil) husband at 23/24. We've been married 25 years.
I would ask him to share with you his salvation testimony, (his life "before Christ" should be very different). There should be a clear radical change between who he was before and after salvation. If it is different, if he is saved, then seeing him will be different from the guys of the past.
If he doesnt have a testimony written up, now is a good time to write one. See the "4 points" in footer link, so you can both write one up... and then share it with each other.
Have the conversation with him about the latter things you noted concern over. And other things noted here. You can write bulleted list for the discussion.
I was going to say find out if he drinks alcohol, and how he handles stress related to his job. But def discuss it further. I know you are both young, but setting the foundation for how you go about things in life and the relationship are important, deciding how you will each & together handle things... it will be very helpful.
He may encounter death and war with his branch of service more than some other branches, depending on his job. So he needs to be able to see life and war thru the lense of Scripture and be willing to (or go *first* to) get help via a biblical counselor (save the resource below for future/ for either of you even if you no longer date, and provide him that resource after talking too). Find out if he is willing to commit to that as his go to for those and other problems.
I would also ask his intentions with you or anyone he dates, if it is 1. just for fun & platonic, and if he is willing to commit to no making out and no sex, (but agreeing that holding hands is okay), <&> 2. if his plans for dating are with a purpose to find a spouse.
Since you are both Christian you have a basic "match" but need other convos. Set up a hang out date [clearly known] to have these (noted) discussions. Since you've known him a bit of time already, these are good steps to start you both off well.
Reguarding alcohol, young military guys tend to become alcoholics and you want to ask him if he will commit to himself, God and also to you, that he will not drink alcohol ever (except a small something at a wedding toast is fine) to avoid him drowning his issues in alcohol instead of the Word and biblical counseling to deal with them rightly.
It will help you feel safer that he wont turn into a drunk abuser too. Feel free to explain those concerns to him. And if he is a man of God, tho young & maturing, he will receive your input and be willing to not drink alcohol.
I am glad he already is thinking on that. And made changes of who he hangs out with. Encourage him to go to Chapel on base and find Christian buddies there (who do not drink) so he has some brothers in arms he can stay connected [with even after command change]. They could be accountability partners too. That plus his pastor, and access to biblical counselors, will be a great help to himself, whether you are dating or not. And ask him to commit to tell you, 1. Whenever he is going to counseling, and 2. What the general topic is, so you know the issue so when things "seem off" occassionally you wont need to let your mind wonder. You can just keep him in prayer.
He could say things like: getting advice about becoming a more mature man and Christian, working through something relationship related (you dont need to worry about it, it may or may not have something to do with you but he will get godly perspective and advice & possibly share it later; let him know it is perfectly acceptable for him to share that), or he's getting upset lately over little things and need guidance to get to the root of the problem, concerns about a long distance relationship, a buddy got injured or died, a new boss is shaking up the unit, or whatever. And then leave it at that. Dont probe, just say you will pray for him as he works through it with the counselor. You could ask if you can both pray about it in general right then at the moment, so he knows you care and that God is in control. And then supportivly just ask him to let you know when he has resolved it, so you know he has got closure on it, and if he wants to share it with you as a "praise the Lord" testimony. [He will share if he wants to after he gets some counseling]. This can be an encouragement to him.
Right now (at his age) he [& you] are forming/making life long decisions for living life... & even if later you are not together, you've helped him forge a proper path, so his life goes well and he can live well before God, free from that life destroying vice. And same for you.
Think about things that are important to talk about to find out about. In discussing it, you will find out:
1. his current beliefs on them.
2. you can share your beliefs and feelings in it, and then
3. see his thoughts on it, to see if they're fine or acceptable.
Ask him to do the same. Ask him to come up with things to discuss he thinks are important too. And discuss them. Be honest with each other and communicate as best you can. People are not mind readers, so you need to communicate. Feelings get hurt if one thinks one way and another another way and goes about life but gets hurt cuz he doesnt think like you or have the ideas you have (about anything really). Cannot live by assumptions so communicating is key.
Make a commitment to communication being a foundational important part of your relationship. Don't let things fester or hold grudges or bitterness or let it build to anger. But also strive to have the focal point or results be about caring for each other above yourself; putting the other person first [except if it is against Scripture and godly right living, or illegal].
Both need to commit to not manipulating, nor tempting each other to sin, and always working for the good of each other and living rightly before God. No one is perfect but if you follow that principle your relationship will be better than most. And be forgiving, as God has forgiven us much.
Feel free to [both agree to] write out a agreement document listing these kinds of commitments as part of the relationship, so you can both take it seriously. You could even have both your parents sign it too to make it feel more serious to rightly do. If his family is far away, have his best Christian friend or his Pastor sign it. If you are both going to the same church have your Pastor sign it with you. You should both go to the same church, so find a good one nearby, and go there, every Sunday without fail [but if he is on dutu go to the service midweek in advance so you are always in Church as a regular part of your Christian life].
And here is a good idea: have a counseling session with your pastor on your relationship before he signs it. It will help the bf see this is serious business how he treats you, communicates with you, and keeps the relationship in the confines of Christian proper living.
If you dont date him the above is still great advice for relationships.
You will need to look also at how much longer is he is stationed there and if he can extend his time there, so you can get to know each other and form a proper relationship.
Go to church together, go to a couples class and growing believers class. If there isnt one, ask the Pastor or a Sunday School teacher or Decon to go through one with you [and open it to others dating in the church]. This will help you with foundational things to start your lives off well and right, and relationship. Plus it will be saturated in the faith.
If he is there at least 2 years and your relationship is focused on the above, if you go through what you need to to understand your Christian life (separately and together), and he is a maturing man of God [looking at the facts not feelings] then consider marrying there [usually free] at the church so you can follow him whatever he is stationed, and have a plan where you will be and what you will do when he is sent to places you cannot go.
If he is not there long, consider asking (the church person above) to do the courses with you both by video, around the time he is off duty daily. That will help you both complete those courses. Of he is in a time zone not possible but he has a solid Christian Chaplain who can go thru those things with you, with them calling you at a agreed upon time, then it will be really good to do that.
If the relationship doesn't work out, then you at least went thru studies that will help you do the same thing [all the above] next time you find a mature Christian bf. It might be someone at your Church, or someone you meet after you go through college. But it will help you build early foundation for 1. Your Christian life, 2. How you handle personal issues and 3. Agreements & Expectations you have in any future relationship. If they want to date or court you, they need to put in the work.
He nor you can go thru life internally and on autopilot. You need to have clear understanding of Scripture, our purpose in life, how we can serve God... and how we in a relationship care about and serve one another.
Marriage is the same. It is work but also teamwork. The one you marry needs to clearly understand this. Life is not on the couch in front of the tv. It is an active life together as partners, & serving the Lord.
Live a life you will not regret and will be pleasing to God so that whenever your time on earth is over you will see the doprs of Heaven open and hear Jesus say "Well done my good and faithful servant" as you enter.
Here are some resources to help you, for where you are right now.
* For individuals you need a counselor of your own gender. For couples counseling you will need to determine what is best or perhaps meet a few to interview them before picking one.
* Useful but not a substitute for actual counselor assistance.
New & Growing Believers Resources
*This is something you can skim through and then go through. You can also both commit to go through what is in here (sorta like getting in the same page or I mean going through the same material at same time. When you browse it you'll see areas you can pick to go through together.
There is a church search helps in here too 😊 [general and specific options].
There's stuff in here *for young people* and also for *women/men specific*, as well as roles info for married women and married men, so there's future stuff in there you can read to prepare you both for your future married lives [whether or not it is with each other]. There is a Foundational Fundamentals class in here you can both do together.
The resource link is packed with helpful things for believers in general, too. 😊
God bless!
“Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you entirely, and may your spirit and soul and body be preserved complete, without blame at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.”
(1 Thessalonians 5:23 LSB)
Footnote:
With military people, as well as those who are genuine converts at older ages, you might want to have him do a couple dna tests with those companies to see if he has any kids out there he is unaware of. I know some woman who slept around and had several kids by diff men and they never knew they were the father. To this day 25 yrs later they are still unaware of it. Don't let this be a surprise [finding out, loss of income to psy child support, college, health insurance, etc] for each one of them. When your conversation moves to marriage discussions neither of you should get blindsided [and end up living in poverty] because of past decisions coming back to haunt you. You would also have to interact with the child(ren) and their mother(s) in life and that can put a strain on what was your "planned" godly home and life centered on Christ.
