Counseling- Spousal adultery, sexting, complication of a adopted child.
Q: I caught my husband of 6 years cheating. He was sexting and sending/receiving nude photos and videos of himself to multiple women. I have no idea if he even met up with them, or some other local woman either. I am hurting so terribly over this.
We have three beautiful children (5yr, a 4mo, and a 8 yr old from prior to my becoming a Christian, whom he even adopted).
Why he would want to ruin our marriage and our kids lives is beyond my understanding. Isn't what he did considered grounds for divorce even if he didn’t meet up with these women? Jesus said looking with lust is adultery and these are also clearly sexual sins. Isn't this full on adultery?? He obviously pleasured himself to these women.
If it is grounds for divorce, though I feel so betrayed I doubt I will look to remarry, but am I able to marry again if I find a godly truly born again man? My husband has made me petrified to even think there are any men who are trustworthy out there.
Also, How do I tell our children? What do I need to tell them? This is all so much. We didn’t deserve this.
A: I am sorry to hear this happened. And it is def worse while you had recently gone thru pregnancy and are still in a postpartum season.
One thing I have learned in life, without godly folk around you to counsel you, you can fall into ditches as you walk in life. You also learn very quickly that people who claim to be Christian, arent. Idk if your husband claimed to be one or not, but today a long courtship and engagement is a must. The entire world is full of sinners, and some take advantage to get what they want, others fall deep into sins.
He def appears to have no integrity and has seriously harmed your marriage, the bonds of trust are totally broken and you wont ever trust him again... even if he gets saved or gets counseling to over come it. He has harmed you irreparably and he will forever have to deal with that even if he repents and truly turns from it.
It appears he doesnt value you and the life covenant before God, nor care about your kids. It also doesn't sound like he is saved. There is a wide door open for you to flee, and it seems very unlikely he will stop what he is doing since it sounds very deep, and you need to think realistically, but God can work miracles.
Today👉 call a biblical counselor and talk with them for solid guidance. ⭐
Immediately after, Seek a lawyer⭐ out after the counseling, to help get ahead of the legality stuff, to protect you and the kids. Asap!
>> Even if you are not going to divorce, or if you seperate. 😬 But seperation will simply have him feel he is free to escalate his sexual fantasies further, so it really is of no help. But i would seek biblical counsel (on abstaining from sex too cuz you just cant trust he hasnt had a physical affair and might bring a std or hiv into you).
And if you proceed to divorce, ensure the counselor has a solid conversation with the kids, esp the adopted one. Idk how you can undo an adoption, but you need to proceed with caution as he might try to take her just to spite and harm you, and who knows if he has woody allen vibes. See if the counselor could meet with you both and have the lawyer there to put something in writing (with a notary there) that he will not seek to take the kids and that they will say in your care, with him providing for you & child support for all of them, and will not now nor ever be "alone" with the adopted one. If you get ahead of him you should be protected. Loose lips sink ships so dont talk to others or the kids about it until you lay the ground work, and dont have the kids meet the counselor until you talk with a lawyer and have had the husband go to a counselor with you 1st time (even as if to appease you); try to have the lawyer show up w paperwork to that counseling session.
If you want to try to restore the relationship, then he needs to sign legally binding documents (do not keep the originals at home), that he will go to the biblical counselor and continue to, at sole cost to him, until he has conqured, fully recovered and is restored from those sins, and is restored to the matrimonial covenant with you. *And include that he should pay at his sole cost the counseling costs for you and the 2 children.
God can and is in the business of redemption, healing and peace. [Even if it ends in your healing and peace from not being together]. We know humans cant be trusted, even solid believers sin. There is a chance of restoration, but it can be a long haul. He might be like Amos wife, and it depends on how much you are willing to go through, he might walk all over you, send bad teaching to your children, cause bitterness and strife, & or not even want to stick around.
*link includes info on porn since that is sort of what he is engaging in. Real life porn of sorts, which clearly started from porn watching, lust and sexual sin and escalated to irl action even if it was only over the phone.
You can go thru that to get educated, and see if the counselor would review the link material and give advice to see if the solutions there could be implemented in his counseling (that the counselor has with him).
Here are a few other resources
Guard against bitterness, retaliation, focus on God and forgiveness and restoration. Even if that means he is gone and you are by yourself. God will make a way for you to continue in life, walking with God in faith and trusting him. We are not guaranteed a smooth life once saved, in fact it can get very bumpy, so hold Jesus hand at all times and be reading the Word daily and in prayer, aligning to God's Will. And remember Job, the Apostles and lives of the NT believers.
My behavior & responses when spouse has affair*
Related resources
Making sure you are in Church regularly;
PS. If you are worried you have no money for legal fees nor a counselor session nor notary, go speak to your pastor confidentially. He has access to funds to help church members, might know a Christian lawyer or counselor in your church, or even ask church to donate for x amt money needed to fund help for a members marriage issue. It could include babysitter fees or perhaps a trusted church member or two could watch the kids offsite for you when you need to go see the lawyer and counselor.
